I killed a bunny yesterday. Not that I meant to, the dumb bunny ran underneath the tire of my car, which is inadvisable to do at 30mph. The sad part is I didn't even swerve to avoid him. I typically don't swerve when I see small animals in the road. First because swerving is dangerous, and second I think the animal has more of a chance to live if I don't swerve. A car's path is usually pretty easy to predict for just about any creature. They usually go along those hard black surfaces at incredible rates, but rarely is any swerving involved. I figure if an animal is dumb enough to run in front of me, then surely they should know where my tires are, and they will continue on their present course along the road. I did just that and this rabbit exploded. I didn't just clip him or anything. It was right over the top of him. Survival of the fittest now includes cognition on the paths of large inanimate objects.
I've been trying to find which vows to use for our wedding. We're not writing our own, fortunately. We hope to find some pre-written words that jumble together to form some sappy sentiments. This will save us from the embarrassment by admitting we wrote them. My primary plan of attack is to find a nice platform to start from and tweak it slightly from there. I'm surprised at how vows are generally unoriginal. Sure, the traditional is nice, but I'm not sure about the words "till death do you part." For those who believe in the afterlife, these words make it sound like the beloved couple will not be reunited after they both die. Is this the church's attempt to let everyone know it's okay to fall in love with someone else, as long as you're dead? Love, cherish, honor and obey are all fine, but drastically overused. As someone who writes on a weekly basis, I strive to use unconventional words for something as a wedding and phrase things in the less traditional sense.
I was thinking how it would be funny to model the vows after movie speeches. You know like "You may take my heart, but you will never take my freedom." I'm not really sure how that one would go over though. In fact, of all the ones I thought, they either don't make sense, or may not go over well.
I also think there are too many vows regarding religion. I know that's the institution that has supported marriage the most for the last 1500 years or so, but some of them make it sound like the people are going to pay more attention to God than they are to each other. What a boring life that must have been.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
12 Gauge Pump Action Lotion Dispenser
It seems that most of my blogs come from things that I have either seen or read. I suppose this means I am alive. I blog therefore I am. Oh Descartes, where would the blogosphere be without you? For that matter, where would Twitter be without you?
I saw a commercial about kids traveling to imaginative lands and these lands resided within the confines of Disney World. It started out with two kids holding sticks while pronouncing Latin words better than an Ancient Roman Senator. Obviously they were wizards within the Harry Potter Universe battling it out to see who would overcome, good or evil. This idea of kids reenacting scenarios from popular media is not new, but seems to have reached a great deal of safety these days. These kids were merely pointing sticks at one another and giving each other a Linguistic lesson. What a boring play time. How can one even tell who's winning when two kids are shooting imaginary spells at each other? Cops and robbers had imaginary bullets, but there seemed to be a great deal of sportsmanship between who shot who first.
Back when I was a kid Star Wars was all the rage. For lightsabers we used sticks, but instead of waving them around in the air, like we were composers at a symphony, we smacked the hell out of each other with them, because that is essentially what they do in the movie. Not only was there an added level of physical harm, but an added level of creativity as well. See, if you get hit by an imaginary spell, like Sectumsempra, all you do is fall down and pretend to wince in pain, but soon you recover and go at it again. On the other hand, if an imaginary lightsaber strikes your wrist, not only do you have a stinging sensation on your wrist, you now effectively no longer have a hand to fight with, as it has been slashed off by the imaginary lightsaber. So now you have to fight with one hand. But it wasn't always the hand, sometimes it was a leg, or an ear and occasionally the head. The point is with each missing appendage, you had to relearn how to fight your opponent.
My brothers were masters at this. They would slash at each other for hours. My oldest brother was always kind, and would let my other brother choose who he wanted to be. Of course he always chose Luke Skywalker which would make my oldest brother Darth Vader. Since Darth Vader was older, taller, stronger and more precise in his attacks than Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader would always win. It was like a remake of the lightsaber fight in Empire Strikes Back, each time a different appendage of Luke's being cut off. The hand, the leg, a stab in the abdomen, and in the extreme remakes, decapitation. The best ones were Luke getting both a hand and a leg sliced off and watching him hop around while swinging his lightsaber stick frantically, hoping for that lucky blow. Alas, our yard did not have a mock central air shaft for Luke to fall down into. I fear in those cases the Empire may have prevailed.
I saw a commercial about kids traveling to imaginative lands and these lands resided within the confines of Disney World. It started out with two kids holding sticks while pronouncing Latin words better than an Ancient Roman Senator. Obviously they were wizards within the Harry Potter Universe battling it out to see who would overcome, good or evil. This idea of kids reenacting scenarios from popular media is not new, but seems to have reached a great deal of safety these days. These kids were merely pointing sticks at one another and giving each other a Linguistic lesson. What a boring play time. How can one even tell who's winning when two kids are shooting imaginary spells at each other? Cops and robbers had imaginary bullets, but there seemed to be a great deal of sportsmanship between who shot who first.
Back when I was a kid Star Wars was all the rage. For lightsabers we used sticks, but instead of waving them around in the air, like we were composers at a symphony, we smacked the hell out of each other with them, because that is essentially what they do in the movie. Not only was there an added level of physical harm, but an added level of creativity as well. See, if you get hit by an imaginary spell, like Sectumsempra, all you do is fall down and pretend to wince in pain, but soon you recover and go at it again. On the other hand, if an imaginary lightsaber strikes your wrist, not only do you have a stinging sensation on your wrist, you now effectively no longer have a hand to fight with, as it has been slashed off by the imaginary lightsaber. So now you have to fight with one hand. But it wasn't always the hand, sometimes it was a leg, or an ear and occasionally the head. The point is with each missing appendage, you had to relearn how to fight your opponent.
My brothers were masters at this. They would slash at each other for hours. My oldest brother was always kind, and would let my other brother choose who he wanted to be. Of course he always chose Luke Skywalker which would make my oldest brother Darth Vader. Since Darth Vader was older, taller, stronger and more precise in his attacks than Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader would always win. It was like a remake of the lightsaber fight in Empire Strikes Back, each time a different appendage of Luke's being cut off. The hand, the leg, a stab in the abdomen, and in the extreme remakes, decapitation. The best ones were Luke getting both a hand and a leg sliced off and watching him hop around while swinging his lightsaber stick frantically, hoping for that lucky blow. Alas, our yard did not have a mock central air shaft for Luke to fall down into. I fear in those cases the Empire may have prevailed.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Firecrackergram
Rush Limbaugh is married. I can't quite conceive of the idea that someone can stand to be married to that guy, much less bear to look at him. He is so physically unattractive I can't even bring myself to consider him to be a member of the same species as myself. If a baboon's ass was it's own species, I would possibly consider him being one of those, but instead he just constantly acts like one.
I've recently been watching TV, and there is a commercial out now that attempts to gain the attention of men over the age of 45. It asks if they haven't been feeling like they used to, when they were in their 20's and 30's and wanted to have drunken wild sex and dance all night. If so, they may have something called LT, which I believe the full name is Lymphotoxin and which I can find very little information on.
I have a question about this commercial; What happened to just getting old? Does that not happen anymore? Does the medical community actually have to diagnose everything? Are you more tired than you used to be? Don't go out with your wife as frequently as you used to? Do you have gray hair? Do you have wrinkles? Of course, unless you're a corpse, this shit happens. No wonder our medical system is so far down the toilet. We waste money on finding diagnoses for symptoms that have always existed since the extinction of the dinosaurs, and dupe people into believing that they have Glutessummissus, which is a sagging of the ass. We get old, our hair grays, our skin wrinkles, and we have less energy. There is nothing wrong with you.
As a response to a comment I had in my previous post, someone, "London Caller" mentioned the correlation between divorce and the more independent women have become over the last fifty or so years. I had thought about this as well as I was writing the blog, but had decided to leave out the theory as I had not done any research on it. I still haven't as I believe the theory is pretty sound and I do not wish to pursue the matter, but I do happen to agree that women in the work force has given rise to divorce. This is to say nothing bad of women, more power to them. It's just astonishing to me how many divorces their are. But there have always been bad marriages, and most likely there always will be, so if you see a chance to get out of one, go for it.
And for one final tidbit, Helen Thomas is no longer a correspondent for the White House, due to some ill advised remarks about the Israelis in Palestine. She can say what she wants, she is entitled to that, but she shouldn't apologize for what she said. It's clear how she feels about the matter and there's no point in apologizing, especially since she retired due to the remarks.
Say what you want, Helen, no one's holding you back. Clearly Rush says what he wants and he is still employed, although I wouldn't call what he does a "living" or even an existence.
I've recently been watching TV, and there is a commercial out now that attempts to gain the attention of men over the age of 45. It asks if they haven't been feeling like they used to, when they were in their 20's and 30's and wanted to have drunken wild sex and dance all night. If so, they may have something called LT, which I believe the full name is Lymphotoxin and which I can find very little information on.
I have a question about this commercial; What happened to just getting old? Does that not happen anymore? Does the medical community actually have to diagnose everything? Are you more tired than you used to be? Don't go out with your wife as frequently as you used to? Do you have gray hair? Do you have wrinkles? Of course, unless you're a corpse, this shit happens. No wonder our medical system is so far down the toilet. We waste money on finding diagnoses for symptoms that have always existed since the extinction of the dinosaurs, and dupe people into believing that they have Glutessummissus, which is a sagging of the ass. We get old, our hair grays, our skin wrinkles, and we have less energy. There is nothing wrong with you.
As a response to a comment I had in my previous post, someone, "London Caller" mentioned the correlation between divorce and the more independent women have become over the last fifty or so years. I had thought about this as well as I was writing the blog, but had decided to leave out the theory as I had not done any research on it. I still haven't as I believe the theory is pretty sound and I do not wish to pursue the matter, but I do happen to agree that women in the work force has given rise to divorce. This is to say nothing bad of women, more power to them. It's just astonishing to me how many divorces their are. But there have always been bad marriages, and most likely there always will be, so if you see a chance to get out of one, go for it.
And for one final tidbit, Helen Thomas is no longer a correspondent for the White House, due to some ill advised remarks about the Israelis in Palestine. She can say what she wants, she is entitled to that, but she shouldn't apologize for what she said. It's clear how she feels about the matter and there's no point in apologizing, especially since she retired due to the remarks.
Say what you want, Helen, no one's holding you back. Clearly Rush says what he wants and he is still employed, although I wouldn't call what he does a "living" or even an existence.
Monday, May 31, 2010
The Lackadaisical Jogathon
Over the past year, my eyes have quickly been opened to the facade of American life. When I was a child, I was raised with the idea that the goal to life, the ultimate finish line, was to marry a nice girl, have some children, buy a nice house and live life at a leisurely pace. All the while the family is more cheery than the Brady Bunch. And I would accuse shows like the Brady Bunch of putting on this facade.
In reality, I've noticed something quite different. That picturesque lifestyle with the house and nice lady are pretty established no matter where you go in this country. Even the children are pretty ubiquitous. But within the walls of most of these houses is something far different than The Brady Bunch. First off I don't really see children playing outside anymore. I see them walking, I see them talking, but what happened to the kids, like my brother, who would climb trees in their new white dress pants and get their mom angry? Don't kids fall and break their arms anymore? Are they playing video games that often? Or are their parents so protective that when the child grows up to be the adult they become, they will have no self confidence? Or are the parents so pushy on having their child be an overachiever that the poor kid has no time or thoughts to themselves?
And the happy married couple? What couples? Everyone is getting divorced today it seems. The norm now is for a kid to have divorced parents and instead of his friends asking "what is he doing this weekend?" It's now "Whose house are you staying at this weekend?"
So why the facade? It's clearly not typical American life, (though I did experience a pretty close application of such an upbringing). And the mere existence of this facade does not promote the real life version. American families aren't exactly close with each other. That's the real impression I get. Perhaps it's because this country grew up in the modern age, perhaps it's just part of our identity, after all, our ancestors migrated away from their ancestors. But this facade, it doesn't exist. At least not to a large extent. So what is the American Family really like? Poor? Rich? Busy? Lazy? At this point I have no idea. All I have is my idea of how to bring my own family together, when I have one, and what to do with each passing moment. I don't plan on divorce being in the plan. I plan on overcoming obstacles. That's the way I was raised.
In reality, I've noticed something quite different. That picturesque lifestyle with the house and nice lady are pretty established no matter where you go in this country. Even the children are pretty ubiquitous. But within the walls of most of these houses is something far different than The Brady Bunch. First off I don't really see children playing outside anymore. I see them walking, I see them talking, but what happened to the kids, like my brother, who would climb trees in their new white dress pants and get their mom angry? Don't kids fall and break their arms anymore? Are they playing video games that often? Or are their parents so protective that when the child grows up to be the adult they become, they will have no self confidence? Or are the parents so pushy on having their child be an overachiever that the poor kid has no time or thoughts to themselves?
And the happy married couple? What couples? Everyone is getting divorced today it seems. The norm now is for a kid to have divorced parents and instead of his friends asking "what is he doing this weekend?" It's now "Whose house are you staying at this weekend?"
So why the facade? It's clearly not typical American life, (though I did experience a pretty close application of such an upbringing). And the mere existence of this facade does not promote the real life version. American families aren't exactly close with each other. That's the real impression I get. Perhaps it's because this country grew up in the modern age, perhaps it's just part of our identity, after all, our ancestors migrated away from their ancestors. But this facade, it doesn't exist. At least not to a large extent. So what is the American Family really like? Poor? Rich? Busy? Lazy? At this point I have no idea. All I have is my idea of how to bring my own family together, when I have one, and what to do with each passing moment. I don't plan on divorce being in the plan. I plan on overcoming obstacles. That's the way I was raised.
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Flip Side of the Dark Side
I wonder if a police officer, while driving in their patrol car, would wish that everyone would just start driving crazy. Not to pull any one over, but just to change things up a bit. Because when you're driving near a police officer you try to do everything perfect. You check your blind spot, look in your rear view mirror, start to move that lever up or down to begin that annoying clicking sound to indicate you will not resume your present course (what was that thing called again)? And you come to complete stops at stop signs, even if it is completely unnecessary. Sometimes I wonder if an officer says to themselves "Just drive through the damn intersection! It's an all stop! Just roll through it like you normally do, it's more efficient and it saves gas!"
I kind of doubt it, but the thought is amusing.
I was eating at a fast food restaurant the other day, actually I went through the drive through and after ordering they told me to pull up to the second window. Why is it the second window? Why not the first? And why are there two windows when every restaurant I drive through only uses the popular second one? As a kid I just thought it was the remnant of some system that was now obsolete. But restaurants are still being constructed with this ubiquitous second window. And I still never use the first. It's odd.
Actually, just a couple of days ago I got to use a first window. It was at McDonalds at 1:30 in the morning.
Why was I at McDonald's at 1:30 in the morning?
Don't ask questions, just listen to the story.
They told me to drive up to the first window. I did and handed them some plastic, which they promptly returned. Then I waited, and waited. And waited. Until I saw a paper bag being waved at me from the second window. Apparently I had been caught off guard by this revolutionary two window system. I pulled forward and grabbed my food.
"Why didn't you tell me to pull up to the second window?" I asked.
The man in the adorable outfit replied, "This is the way it's always been."
What planet was I on again? What rebellious institution had I decided to invest time and money into?
I curtly responded, "Well that may be, but you still need to let me know."
I peeled away. I have no patience for poor customer service. Not that I was expecting anything great from McDonald's, it's sort of the Walmart of fast food, but at least tell me where I can get my food. It is the one thing I do expect after all. It's like going to a gas station and they've hidden all the gas pumps from you. It's rude.
I kind of doubt it, but the thought is amusing.
I was eating at a fast food restaurant the other day, actually I went through the drive through and after ordering they told me to pull up to the second window. Why is it the second window? Why not the first? And why are there two windows when every restaurant I drive through only uses the popular second one? As a kid I just thought it was the remnant of some system that was now obsolete. But restaurants are still being constructed with this ubiquitous second window. And I still never use the first. It's odd.
Actually, just a couple of days ago I got to use a first window. It was at McDonalds at 1:30 in the morning.
Why was I at McDonald's at 1:30 in the morning?
Don't ask questions, just listen to the story.
They told me to drive up to the first window. I did and handed them some plastic, which they promptly returned. Then I waited, and waited. And waited. Until I saw a paper bag being waved at me from the second window. Apparently I had been caught off guard by this revolutionary two window system. I pulled forward and grabbed my food.
"Why didn't you tell me to pull up to the second window?" I asked.
The man in the adorable outfit replied, "This is the way it's always been."
What planet was I on again? What rebellious institution had I decided to invest time and money into?
I curtly responded, "Well that may be, but you still need to let me know."
I peeled away. I have no patience for poor customer service. Not that I was expecting anything great from McDonald's, it's sort of the Walmart of fast food, but at least tell me where I can get my food. It is the one thing I do expect after all. It's like going to a gas station and they've hidden all the gas pumps from you. It's rude.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
This is not to Code
I was watching CSI: Miami the other day, thoroughly not enjoying it, and paying particular attention to how rigid and robotic David Caruso is. Whether it is his character, or his acting ability, it needs to be undone. He makes the show painful. Until I started imagining that David Caruso's character was a robot from the future, sent back to help solve crimes. And it was amazing how well it all fit. The show became much better after I made that fictional leap.
CSI: Las Vegas is really the only decent one out there, and it needs to be canceled at this point. No Gus Grissom? It's like an Indiana Jones without an Indiana Jones or a Bond film without James Bond. It will never be the same. The same goes for Law and Order. That shit needs to stop.
But since I have no doubt CBS and NBC are going to do nothing but continue these overdone series, I have a few suggestions for new Law and Order shows. I have a suggestions for new CSI shows as well, but all you have to do is blindly place your finger on a map and see what city you're closest to. New ideas for Law and Order shows are below:
Law & Order: WWII (World War II)
Law & Order: WWJD (What Would Jesus Decide)
Law & Order: IS! (In Space!)
And I will end with the space idea, because when a producer runs out of ideas, all they do is put whatever preexisting situation people are watching and puts it in space. That's what NBC should have done with ER. Can you imagine chasing a heart in zero G in the middle of a transplant and the doctors only have minutes to save some poor space janitor's life? That's great television.
Now go back to watching TV. You have no idea how much crap you missed by reading me.
CSI: Las Vegas is really the only decent one out there, and it needs to be canceled at this point. No Gus Grissom? It's like an Indiana Jones without an Indiana Jones or a Bond film without James Bond. It will never be the same. The same goes for Law and Order. That shit needs to stop.
But since I have no doubt CBS and NBC are going to do nothing but continue these overdone series, I have a few suggestions for new Law and Order shows. I have a suggestions for new CSI shows as well, but all you have to do is blindly place your finger on a map and see what city you're closest to. New ideas for Law and Order shows are below:
Law & Order: WWII (World War II)
Law & Order: WWJD (What Would Jesus Decide)
Law & Order: IS! (In Space!)
And I will end with the space idea, because when a producer runs out of ideas, all they do is put whatever preexisting situation people are watching and puts it in space. That's what NBC should have done with ER. Can you imagine chasing a heart in zero G in the middle of a transplant and the doctors only have minutes to save some poor space janitor's life? That's great television.
Now go back to watching TV. You have no idea how much crap you missed by reading me.
Monday, May 10, 2010
We Have the Right to be Intelligent
Okay so I know this is sort of old news at this point, but that's the downside to once weekly posts. Unless you have absolutely no cares about the outside world, you have undoubtedly heard of the attempted bombing in Times Square in New York.
Fortunately no one was hurt and a suspect has been caught. Unfortunately the idiots who try to make this world a more unbearable place to live in every day are screaming about things they have no knowledge about. Why is it such a big deal that this guy was read his Miranda Rights? I know he's a suspected terrorist and people don't exactly want to give him a big warm hug right now, and I'm in agreement with this feeling. I have very little sympathy for terrorists. But the simple fact remains, the guy has rights. Just like you and I, he is to be tried in a court of law, innocent until proven guilty and read his Miranda Rights. In fact, if he had not been read his Miranda Rights, he would go free.
Yes, I know, profound isn't it?
It is a constitutional right for each person to be read their rights upon being arrested and if that does not happen, the case is extremely liable to be thrown out and the suspect, of which most know is guilty, goes free. People who have been under arrest have been read their Miranda Rights incorrectly have gone free. People who were not read their Miranda Rights immediatly upon being arrested and instead on the car ride to the police station have gone free. So if you're shouting about Faisal Shahzad and how he has no rights, shut up. You're stupid, you don't know what you're talking about and all you're trying to do is help this guy blow up parts of the United States. And by that logic, I could call you a terrorist.
This Miranda Rights stuff is so rediculous, even Glenn Beck agrees Shahzad should be read his rights. Glenn Beck is a man I rarely agree with. For once, I applaud you Mr. Beck. Hopefully you've enlightened thousands of your constantly illinformed audience.
Not only do I agree Faisal Shahzad has rights, I also agree with his taste. He was using a Nissan Pathfinder. Do you have any idea how reliable those things are? I drove a 17 year old pathfinder around for two years, and if it were up to me I still would be if someone hadn't broadsided me early last year and totaled the whole thing. Of course, a Pathfinder isn't very reliable after you use it to blow up Times Square, but asian made cars can only go so far. But much farther than American made cars.
Fortunately no one was hurt and a suspect has been caught. Unfortunately the idiots who try to make this world a more unbearable place to live in every day are screaming about things they have no knowledge about. Why is it such a big deal that this guy was read his Miranda Rights? I know he's a suspected terrorist and people don't exactly want to give him a big warm hug right now, and I'm in agreement with this feeling. I have very little sympathy for terrorists. But the simple fact remains, the guy has rights. Just like you and I, he is to be tried in a court of law, innocent until proven guilty and read his Miranda Rights. In fact, if he had not been read his Miranda Rights, he would go free.
Yes, I know, profound isn't it?
It is a constitutional right for each person to be read their rights upon being arrested and if that does not happen, the case is extremely liable to be thrown out and the suspect, of which most know is guilty, goes free. People who have been under arrest have been read their Miranda Rights incorrectly have gone free. People who were not read their Miranda Rights immediatly upon being arrested and instead on the car ride to the police station have gone free. So if you're shouting about Faisal Shahzad and how he has no rights, shut up. You're stupid, you don't know what you're talking about and all you're trying to do is help this guy blow up parts of the United States. And by that logic, I could call you a terrorist.
This Miranda Rights stuff is so rediculous, even Glenn Beck agrees Shahzad should be read his rights. Glenn Beck is a man I rarely agree with. For once, I applaud you Mr. Beck. Hopefully you've enlightened thousands of your constantly illinformed audience.
Not only do I agree Faisal Shahzad has rights, I also agree with his taste. He was using a Nissan Pathfinder. Do you have any idea how reliable those things are? I drove a 17 year old pathfinder around for two years, and if it were up to me I still would be if someone hadn't broadsided me early last year and totaled the whole thing. Of course, a Pathfinder isn't very reliable after you use it to blow up Times Square, but asian made cars can only go so far. But much farther than American made cars.
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